Jabba’s Palace We open on the giant “Star Wars
Author:unloginuser Time:2025/01/19 Read: 6460Jabba’s Palace
We open on the giant “Star Wars” logo in space, floating away from the camera. A short block of text appears in front of the camera reading: “Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of the evil gangster Jabba the Hutt.” The text disappears, and we pan down to the yellow planet Tatooine. We cut to the planet’s surface where we see 2 familiar droids, R2-D2 and C-3PO walking towards an unknown location. R2 beeps.
C-3PO: Of course I’m worried. And you should be, too. Lando Calrissian and poor Chewbacca never returned from this awful place.
Artoo whistles timidly.
C-3PO: Don’t be so sure. If I told you half the things I’ve heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you’d probably short-circuit.
The two droids fearfully approach the massive gate of Jabba the Hutt’s palace.
C-3PO: R2, are you sure this is the right place? I better knock, I suppose.
Threepio looks around for some kind of signaling device, then timidly knocks on the iron door.
C-3PO: There doesn’t seem to be anyone there. Let’s go back and tell Master Luke.
R2 Beeps reluctantly as 3PO turns to leave. Suddenly the massive door starts to rise with a horrific metallic screech. The droids turn back and face an endless black cavity. The droids look at one another, afraid to enter. R2 continues down the corridor, with 3PO following.
C-3PO: R2, I have a bad feeling about this.
We cut to Jabba’s court, where he lounges opulently on his throne, surrounded by grotesque aliens, entertained by Jabba’s group of sexy, bikini-clad, dancing slave girls (AKA his posse of pussy), with Jabba’s eye fixed on his favourite girl, a beautiful, green Twi’lek named Oola, who gives a truly erotic display for her excited captor. The girls’ dancing is set to the sleazy, club soundtrack of the Max Rebo Band, but the music is quickly cut out as the droid’s enter the grotesque but lively court. Oola returns to Jabba’s throne, and Jabba quickly has Oola bound by a collar attached to a chain held by Jabba himself. 3PO bows politely.
C-3PO: Good morning.
The droids jump forward to stand before the repulsive villain.
C-3PO: Message, R2. The message!
Artoo whistles, and a beam of light projects from his domed head, creating a hologram of Luke Skywalker on the floor. The image grows to over ten feet tall, and the young Jedi towers over the space gangster.
Luke: Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Solo. I know that you are powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your anger with Solo must be equally powerful. I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for Solo’s life. With your wisdom, I’m sure that we can work out an arrangement which will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift, these two droids.
C-3PO: What did he say?
Luke’s hologram disappears.
Jabba: There will be no bargain. I will not give up my favorite decoration. I like Captain Solo where he is.
C-3PO: Oh no!
Jabba: However, I believe that these droids might make for good service.
C-3PO: We’re doomed!
Jabba’s guards take the droids away as the band strikes up once again and the girls continue dancing. True to form, Oola seductively shakes her hips and gyrates her curvy body to the music. Jabba lets out an energized laugh before sleazily licking his lips as Oola flings her head back and forth while jiggling her rump, tauntingly. Jabba can’t take it. He must have her. Jabba tugs on her chain.
Jabba: I want you, slut. Pleasure me.
Oola: Just give me a few minutes, I’m a bit caught up.
Jabba: Get over here, you useless Twi’lek!
Oola: Please don’t make me!
Jabba: Get over here, or you’ll be made to!
Oola: I’m not a toy!
Jabba: Yes… You… Are!
He pushes a button and, before the dancer can flee, a trap door in the floor springs open and swallows her up. As the door snaps shut, a muffled growl is followed by a hideous scream. Jabba and his monstrous friends laugh hysterically and several revelers hurry over to watch her fate through a grate. Threepio cringes and glances wistfully at the carbonite form of Han Solo, but is immediately distracted by a gunshot offscreen. An unnatural quiet sweeps the boisterous gathering. On the far side of the room, the crush of debauchers moves aside to allow the approach of two guards followed by Boushh, an oddly cloaked bounty hunter, leading their captive, Luke Skywalker’s sexy, bikini-clad girlfriend, Mara Jade. Bib takes his place next to his disgusting master, and whispers into his ear, pointing at Mara and the bounty hunter.
Jabba: Welcome. What is your purpose here?
Boushh: I have come for the bounty on this rebel.
C-3PO: Oh no, Commander Jade!
Jabba: At last we have the sumptuous Mara Jade. This will surely anger the Jedi scum, Skywalker. I will gladly pay you the reward of 25,000.
Boushh: I want 50,000, no less.
Jabba: 50,000? That’s unfair. Why must I pay such a high amount?
Boushh: Because otherwise, I will kill you.
Boushh draws their blaster.
Jabba laughs.
Jabba: This Bounty hunter is my kind of scum; fearless and inventive. I offer you a compromise number of 35, and I do suggest you take it.
Boushh: We are in agreement.
Boushh puts their blaster back in its holster.
Mara is taken away.
Jabba: Fit her in something appropriately sexy.
Jabba’s gamorrean guards walk her down some steps before grabbing her ass. We wipe to the aftermath of the party. Several drunk creatures lie unconscious around the room, snoring loudly. Boushh moves stealthily among the columns. Han Solo hangs frozen on the wall. Boushh steps up to the encased smuggler before turning to the controls on the side of the coffin. The case melts away as Han Solo’s falls onto the floor. His eye then pops open.
Boushh: Just relax for a moment. You’re free of the carbonite. You have hibernation sickness.
Han: I can’t see.
Boushh: Your eyesight will return in time.
Han: Where am I?
Boushh: Jabba’s palace.
Han: Who are you?
Boushh takes off their helmet to reveal the beautiful face of Leia Skywalker, with her long hair flowing down, gracefully.
Leia: Someone who loves you.
Han: Leia!
They lean in and kiss passionately.
Han: It only feels like 5 minutes since I felt your sweet lips.
Leia: You haven’t changed much. We gotta get outta here.
Jabba’s laugh echoes in the distance.
Han: Wait! I know that laugh.
The curtains behind them part to reveal Jabba lounging among his entourage, with Mara now chained to him in the same Bikini as Oola.
Han: Hey Jabba! Look Jabba, I was just on the way to pay you back, but I got a little side-tracked. It’s not my fault!
Jabba: It’s too late for that, Solo. you may have been a good smuggler, but now you’re Bantha shit.
Han: Look Jabba!
Jabba: Take him away.
Han: Jabba, I’ll pay you triple. You’re throwing away a fortune here, don’t be a fool!
Han is taken away by Gamorrean guards. Jabba’s eye is caught by Leia.
Jabba: Now, who’s that delicious looking piece of ass?
Leia: No…
Jabba: Bring her to me!
Leia is brought towards Jabba by his groping, Gamorrean guards.
Leia: We have powerful friends! You’re going to regret this.
Jabba: Oh, I’m sure. But in the meantime, I shall enjoy the pleasure of your company.
Jabba’s tongue sticks out to lick Leia’s face.
Leia groans in disgust.
C-3PO: Oh! I can’t bear to watch.
The Star Wars logo blazed across the blackness of space, then faded to reveal a block of text: “Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of the evil gangster Jabba the Hutt.” The text vanished, replaced by the desolate beauty of Tatooine.
R2-D2 and C-3PO, two unlikely adventurers, trundled across the harsh landscape towards a looming, ominous structure.
“Of course I’m worried, Artoo,” C-3PO chirped, his voice laced with anxiety. “And you should be, too. Lando Calrissian and poor Chewbacca never returned from this awful place.”
Artoo emitted a worried whistle.
“Don’t be so sure,” 3PO continued, his voice dropping to a nervous whisper. “If I told you half the things I’ve heard about this Jabba the Hutt… you’d probably short-circuit.”
The droids approached the massive gates of Jabba’s Palace, their metallic bodies trembling slightly.
“R2, are you sure this is the right place?” 3PO whispered, searching for a knocker. He tapped tentatively on the iron door. “There doesn’t seem to be anyone there. Let’s go back and tell Master Luke.”
R2 beeped reluctantly as 3PO turned to leave. Suddenly, with a horrifying metallic screech, the massive doors began to rise, revealing a gaping, black maw. The droids hesitated, fear etched in their circuits, before R2, ever the brave one, rolled forward. 3PO, protesting but ultimately compliant, followed.
“R2, I have a very bad feeling about this,” 3PO muttered.
Inside Jabba’s palace, a scene of decadent depravity unfolded. Jabba the Hutt, a mountain of repulsive flesh, sprawled on his throne, surrounded by grotesque aliens. His harem of scantily-clad dancers, the Max Rebo Band’s sleazy music a backdrop to their erotic performance, captivated the Hutt’s attention, particularly a beautiful green Twi’lek named Oola. Her alluring dance was abruptly interrupted by the arrival of the two droids.
Oola was quickly chained to Jabba’s throne. 3PO, ever the diplomat, bowed politely.
“Good morning,” he squeaked.
R2 projected a towering hologram of Luke Skywalker, his image looming over Jabba.
Luke’s voice boomed, “Greetings, Exalted One. I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight, and friend to Captain Solo. I offer these droids as a token of goodwill and seek an audience to bargain for Solo’s life.”
The hologram vanished.
Jabba’s rasping voice filled the court, “There will be no bargain. I will not give up my favorite decoration. But the droids… they might be useful.”
The droids were unceremoniously dragged away as the party resumed. Jabba’s cruel amusement was short-lived. He tugged Oola’s chain.
“I want you, slut. Pleasure me!” he roared.
Oola’s pleas were cut short as Jabba activated a trapdoor, sending her screaming into the depths. The revelry continued, oblivious to her fate.
A gunshot shattered the air. Boushh, a mysterious cloaked figure, escorted Luke’s girlfriend, Mara Jade, into the court.
“I have come for the bounty on this rebel,” Boushh announced.
Jabba, delighted by this unexpected turn, negotiated the bounty, eventually agreeing on 35,000 credits. Mara was taken away.
The scene shifted to Han Solo, freed from his carbonite prison by Boushh, who revealed herself to be Leia Organa. Their reunion was passionate, but short-lived. Jabba’s laughter echoed, revealing Han and Leia’s precarious situation. Mara was now chained beside Jabba, facing a similar fate to Oola.
Han, attempting to negotiate his freedom, failed spectacularly. Jabba’s lust turned to Leia, who faced a terrifying ordeal. C-3PO, witnessing the unfolding horror, could only whimper in despair. The adventure, far from over, had just begun.
